It's like Jesus in a box...
Are you kidding me? The kid may have some mad chops on Guitar Hero, but what a little idiot. I know, I know…the kid is 12, but he’s a flaming tard.
I think his Mom should be flogged for letting him think that he broke the World Record for something “kind of important”. GUITAR HERO MEANS NOTHING! EVER! Like the guy who currently hold the World Record for solving the Rubik’s Cube. What was his name again? Oh yeah…nobody knows because it doesn’t matter. It’s a toy that you can play with better than anyone else! Does it take skill? Yes. Does it take dedication? Oh yeah. But is it something “kind of important”? HELL NO!
Someone needs to teach this kids some priorities before he assaults someone he meets in World of Warcraft.
Lucky me! My employer gave me a free pair of movie tickets! I don’t tend to see a lot of movies, so I was actually excited when I got my free passes. My wife and I couldn’t figure out what we wanted to see, so we decided to see Whiteout. Why Whiteout? Because Kate Beckinsale was decent in the Underworld series, and neither of us gave a shit about G.I. Joe. I know, they’re like the all-American boy-Barbie that every prepubescent male was supposed to have, but I was too busy playing Gorf on my Commodore VIC-20 to care at all.
Whiteout started with a scene of Beckinsale roaming about in her undies that was entirely acceptable, but that contentment quickly ended when the actual story began. Let’s see…it’s her last couple days there…there’s a huge storm moving in that will make her stuck for the winter…she has a haunted past…and…that should do it. We have just about all the ingredients we need for another I’m-stuck-here-because-Hollywood-doesn’t-like-people-to-get-home-from-work-on-time movie. While I’m not a movie snob, I do expect a movie to be something other than entirely predictable shit when I go and see it.
“Oh! But there was a twist!” I can hear some of you crying from the Interwebs. SPOLER ALERT! She’s stuck, there’s a slasher, and there are old Soviet Weapons involved! OMFG!!! It makes my ass tingle with comfort to know that Hollywood could see their movie was such a shitsicle ahead of time. It’s just annoying that instead of doing the right thing by not actually making the movie, they decided to try and distract me by waving a shiny spoon in front of my face to distract from the fact that the film was hemorrhaging watchability from the first moment Beckinsale put her clothes back on.
After 55 minutes of torture I left the theater. I’m sure there are some of you that may tell me the best was at the end, but I’m not willing to put up with the rest of it for an hour and a half to get a little nibblet of joy at the end. That is, unless the end scene is Beckinsale wearing assless chaps on top of a Unicorn that is tromping the bloody carcasses of all the movie’s characters. And besides, didn’t they already do that at the end of Underworld 2?
Nice Cock!
This last weekend was time for our annual county fair, and what a time it was! I normally avoid these types of events, but I heard a rumor about an Italian Sausage sandwich that would make by bowels sing with glee. Since it was $7 to get in this year and $8 for the sandwich, I figured that I should go ass-heckling just to get my money out of the deal.
Over the years I have learned a few things about our county fair. The first thing is that I love the food. It’s the worst shit you could ever eat, but it tastes great and is only available once per year. The second thing I have learned is that all of the food upsets my guts in terrifying ways to where I’m usually sick the day after I go. It also gives me some of the most horrendous feeling/smelling gas that my body as ever produced.
Given those interesting facts, I use my intestinal problems to spread joy throughout the entire fair. In fact, my gas is the only reason I will go into some of the buildings that they have. What in the hell would I EVER want to do in the produce building? Well…unless I could make it smell like everything is rotting. Farting in the black hole is fun too. Not only is it small and disorienting, it now triggers your gag reflex.
Egads...
The only place I don’t spread my joy is the pig barn. Those bastards have me beat for smell no matter what kind of warfare my anus is spreading. This year though, I actually paid to see a pig. It was named “Hogzilla” (like every other giant pig is), but I figured I could ruin the carnie’s day if he had to smell my hot-buttered ass.
And then I beheld them. The most impressive set of nuts I have ever seen in my life. This pig was nice and clean (although he smelled like my shit before I left), and was well taken care of for a carnie animal. But the nuts were truly a sight to behold. So, I snapped a picture for my loyal fans; all six of you.
After the nuts I saw a giant fuzzy cock, a hypnotist that could put anyone to sleep with his act, and more rednecks than you can shake a hate-stick at. The best news of all is that I kept my horrid gas until the next evening. I wouldn’t dare let one fly in finer establishments, so I had lunch at McDonalds where I made an old lady at the drink fountain scowl when she encountered my corporeal waft.
Gotta love the county fair!
So, as you can tell by previous posts, I recently had a Samsung Jack. I have been doing a bit of IT training lately, so my employer decided Ineeded an iPhone so I can train others to use it. I was a bit hesitant to switch over because my Jack was the perfect device for what I did in the potpourri that is my job.
Just for a bit of history: I was a Palm user for many years until they turned into $300 shitpiles. I went to a BrownBerry for a few years, and eventually ended up with a Windows CE device (which eventually morphed into Windows Mobile). I always figured that Windows Mobile was unbeatable, especially since the iPhone couldn’t copy and paste. Who in their right mind would leave that out of an OS? Anyway, Apple fixed that little issue and it was theoretical that I could use the damned thing.
The main thing that had me worried was the lack of support for tasks. I did a little homework and found an app called iMExchange which cost me about $7.00. Within just a couple of minutes I had all of my tasks synced AND I could actually post into the notes area of a task, which I couldn’t do on Windows Mobile. Why does that matter? Email contents + tasks notes area = knowing what the hell the details are. Handy.
As for cool apps:
- SnapTell – take pictures of books, CDs, DVDs, and games and it searches online prices and reviews to you can see if it’s shit before you spend some bucks.
- eBay – Duh
- Stocks – Watch your portfolio grow (Don’t have one? See Investing for Morons)
- Brothers in Arms – I can kill people while driving…that’s fun and safe!
I’m sure there are some uber apps I haven’t played with yet, but that’s part of the fun. On a more technical note, the 3Gs has awesome battery life, and talks to our exchange server without any issues at all. I’m an incredibly heavy data user, and I’m on my phone talking or using apps 5+ hours a day for work alone, and I don’t have to recharge it. Plus, the new headphones for the 3Gs let you access voice control and iPod shit hands free. Extra handy.
So, hate all you want, but I love this device in an enterprise environment. It has all the functionality of my WM device (plus a couple of added features) and it does it all with a bit of class. Even the touch keyboard works well, and I thought I’d hate it with my big damned hands. Too bad Apple is still a bunch of elitist assholes.
**Update 9/8/2009
Since I’ve gotten the phone I’ve had some entirely well informed people give me shit about the battery life since it is not replaceable. Here’s a yummy response for all of you since I’m tired of giving it in person.
The 3Gs (s damnit s) has really good battery life. It’s very comparable to the battery life of my Samsung Jack. As I did with my Jack, I turn off 3G since I’m in and out of the network all damned day. I can go an entire day without recharging my phone and I am a wildly heavy user. As far as the replacement batter is concerned: eat my festering anus. Our company has 53 mobile phones that we (I) maintain, and guess how many have a second battery? Go ahead… ummm… NONE! I haven’t even known a SINGLE person in my life that has a second battery for their phone. I’m sure there are some people who do, but I highly doubt that this is the norm.
The next person that tries to tell me that not having a second battery is a down-side to an iPhone is going to get kick in his crotch if he doesn’t have a second battery on him at that moment. Then he can feel comfort in the fact that he has a backup testicle since I probably just rendered one useless.
Only if you , Chrome, Firefox, REALLY want to...
I’ve never been a hater of the Microsoft machine, but I’ve never been a fanboy either. Until this weekend, I have had dual monitors on my desktop connected to a Vista system. I’ve had little Linux boxes before that have performed various tasks for me, but I have never really had the opportunity to run it as a dedicated desktop system. I spent the last four years in school and was required to use very specific software for my curriculum. While I understand that I could have used Wine to do some of the work, I just wasn’t willing to sit around and dick with it for hours on end when I could be done with my assignments on a Windows system. I find myself playing less game on my PC and more on my consoles, so the time seemed right for a switch. I stole one of my 22″ monitors from myself and a spare computer and went to work.
I installed Ubuntu Jaunty 64bit, and it took less than 20 minutes. EVERYTHING worked right out of the box, except for my video card drivers. All I had to do for those was accept that I was installed something not OpenSource (OMFG) and they were installed in a matter of a minute. I must say, the installation time was impressive, and as easy as someone could ask for.
My old HP printer was hit by a power surge about a year ago and went dead. Any Windows box I plugged it into recognized it, but it simply wouldn’t print. I plugged it into Ubintu and WHABAM! It works perfectly. Well…that just put about $100.00 worth of toner back into my pocket.
My Wacom graphics tablet works flawlessly with GIMP, all the happy bonus buttons on my keyboard work, and I can play some silly ass Tux racing game at lightning speed. It took me about 2 minutes to install Flash on my system, even though whiners will say it’s as difficult as putting a man in space. The only length install I had was Adobe AIR. Holy fuck Batman, that would make an average person sit despondently in a corner and urinate on themselves. Why? Because most people are fucking idiots.
This shit isn’t all wine and roses though, there are some problems. My main problem? Firefox. I don’t know why I thought it would be any different on Linux. It’s still a glitchy, slow, unstable pile of worthless code – although still far more useful than IE. I can’t wait until Chrome is released in its final version for Linux. LifeHacker is reporting that a 64bit version may make it’s way to Linux before any other OS. Nice work!
In related news: I have decided to make my back hair open source. Any takers?
Yummy...
Yeah, I’m actually going to say something good about Walmart.
Typically, they are a haven for the lowiest, most disgusting people in society, and ours is no exception. The only reason I like to go there is I’m a cheap bastard. Why in the hell should I pay $2.50 more for the EXACT SAME CAN of silicone spray elsewhere?
Our shiny new Walmart also came with an unexpected bonus: a fly fishing store! Well now…let’s see…I can spend hours tying my flies, spend $1.25 – $3.00 each to buy them at a local store, or I can pay $0.86 at Walmart. The choice was simple.
I needed a slew of supplies for my vacation so I decided to try out their oil change service while I pillaged their collection of cheap fishing stuff and grabbed some bags of Chili Cheese Frito’s (nom). They announced my name over the speakers when it was done (damn it, now people know I shop there…grrr) and I paid my whopping $42.17 for an oil change, air filter, and new wiper blades.
As I got into my car I noticed a little receipt on my dash and it told me that my battery was tits up. It’s rated for 700 CCA and was only putting out 546 CCA. I had it looked at Wednesday by the place that sold it to me and it was down to 463 CCA.
WTF? Since when was Walmart able to figure anything out? Why in the hell hadn’t Jiffy-lube caught this? According to the happy little chart they give me, it said they checked it. I guess it’s like the floors in my car they never vacuum even though they marked it on their lists.
So, not only did I get cheap supplies and eats, I didn’t have my batter shit it’s self in the middle of damned nowhere. We spend a large portion of our vacation where few dare to tread, so a dead car would have been a nightmare.
Hail to you Walmart…purveyor of evil…destroyer of communities and all that other shit… I don’t buy into that shit anyway. Mom-and-Pop shops that charge 300% markup were dying anyway, Walmart just put the last nail in the coffin. Even if i can buy shit from a local store, i usually don’t. Why? BECAUSE MOST OF THEM CLOSE AT FIVE DAMNED O’CLOCK! Oh…I’m sorry…I work for a living, so I can’t shop in the middle of the afternoon. Oh yeah…and the little guys never have what I need…sue me.
Don't ask what I did...
I almost died when I saw these the other day. It’s nice to know that animals can have as much fun as we do.
I wonder what the offical P.E.T.A. stance is on videos like these? They should run a new series of commercials fighting for an animal’s right to masturbate. The only problem? The world would be overrun by blind dogs.
What’s worse than fat people? Obnoxious fat people.
For some reason, fat people tend to be really, really nice, or really, really annoying. Perhaps one group is trying to compensate for their visual repulsiveness by being pleasant in other ways. The obnoxious ones I just can’t figure out. They must sit at home and think, “Well, I’m horrible to look at, so I’ll just shit on every avenue of social acceptability and try to offend all five senses instead of just one.”
I know, it’s America and we’re all a bit girthy here. But, as you might guess, I’m not talking about people that are just fatties, I’m talking about the terrifyingly large. Beyond the point of enjoying good food and leading a relatively sedintary life; I’m talking about the terrifyingly fat people that make you choose a different isle at the grocery store because you don’t want to figure out how to get around them.
Adorable! Tee hee!
Retards and midgets, quite possibly the post sensitive people on the planet. The wee-ones get bent when you call them midgets, or if you put them in wrestling costumes, and I don’t understand why. How long has this word been in use? How in the hell is it offensive? Webster’s defines the word as:
- something (as an animal) much smaller than usual
- sometimes offensive : a very small person ; specifically : a person of unusually small size who is physically well-proportioned
- a front-engine, single-seat, open-wheel racing car smaller and of less engine displacement than standard cars of the type
Seriously, who made them put in the sometimes offensive shit? Sometimes offensive? What in the hell does that even mean anyway? It only pisses me off if it gives me press or free booster seats at the movie theater? The same thing is listed under retarded: sometimes offensive. Is it sometimes because they don’t want to offend people who aren’t offended by the word?
Ta-da!
Retards are a strange problem though. Many of them don’t have the mental capacity to be offended, so others are offended on their behalf. It’s the same deal with strippers, but nobody cares if you make fun of them. I guess we can’t blame retards for this one though. The fault clearly lies with their parents who are so ashamed of them that they are constantly on the defensive. Nice work!
I love the term special needs, it makes me giggle like a little girl. I’m special needs too! I need a work environment that pays me to do officially shit, and I need someone to find a way to make me calorie-free pizza. Those are my special needs. If you don’t pander to them I’ll hate your hatred or some shit. It’s sad, I belong to one of the most neglected minorities in the country: PEOPLE WHO DON’T TAKE OFFENSE AT EVERY DAMNED WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!
In conclusion, we love you retards, we just hate those who care for you. Midgets can go burn in hell for being overly-sensitive micro-people. Go drown in a five gallon bucket or something. Dwarfs? Love ya! I always pick you guys in my RPGs.
Awwww...retarded love. *weep*
Digital feces...
So, the Zeebo has been released in Brazil, and holy crap who gives a damn! Obviously I care enough to write a post about it, but only because I enjoy mocking things.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Zeebo, it is a new video game console developed for emerging markets, which delivers game content over a cell phone network. Think of an Amazon Kindle with less interesting content available. Apparently, “designed for emerging markets” must be a new industry buzz-word that roughly translates to “let’s dump all our old, outdated shit on people who don’t know any fucking better so we can get our cut of the 15 bottle caps they make per week.” Brilliant!
According to on article I read, it will have the processing power somewhere around the level of a Sega Dreamcast. Well, that would explain why the titles I used to play on my Dreamcast are the ones shipping for it. I did enjoy the games they will be offering on the system 10 YEARS ago, but even at only $10 or a game, I don’t think they’ll be worth it.
The thing that really chaps me about the console is the price. For a substandard system the price is insane. Yes, an XBOX in Brazil costs around $1,000, but you can get a bootlegged system for around the same price as the Zeebo. Let’s see now, I can spend my money on shit that would have been cool a decade ago or something that will keep a retarded chimpanzee entertained for more than an hour. Hmmm…tough choice.
A tidbit out of another article said they may have payment plans available for the machines. Awesome! Then the emerging markets can find out what consumer debt is like! Welcome to the party, you’ll never get to go home.
No comment...
Ahh yes, that brings me to the digital delivery of content. Digital delivery of content as an option: Great! Digital delivery as the only method: Bollocks! Look at what they’ve made me become; I’ve had to resort to a British term to truly express my unhappiness with this retard-o-gadget.
But, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time on this planet, it’s that people are complete and helpless morons. I’m sure emerging countries will sniff it up like digital cocaine and consider themselves fortunate that they have such a great product the developed world doesn’t have. At least we know where we can dump all our unwanted Chrysler flotsam after they finish flailing like spastic thee sloths.
I’m sure the Tech Support will be a dream in an emerging market too! Have fun jackasses!
